Oh That Jersey Shore

More than just a new Real World-esque series, it is a cultural experiment. When so many mostly unattractive stereotypes get together, how many will hook up?

I will say that the douches are a plenty at the Jersey Shore house. The guidos and guidettes exude class at all times. Some of them not only have great nicknames, but they also have great moves, see Snickers, I mean Snookie.

For today’s list, I’d like to rank some of the more interesting (sorry Vinny Guadagnino) housemates by their douchey-ness/entertaiment value.

5. Ronnie Magro and Sammi “Sweetheart” Giancola

Their budding romance is sweet. Ahhh it’s guido love. Actually, these two still claim to be together. I guess love can be found on the Jersey Shore. I hope these two do a bit more fighting than loving, or their relationship will be rather boring.

4. Jenni “J-WOWW” Farley

She’s already made out with Pauly D–ughhh! Yet as the photo above shows Jenni is not the classiest girl to walk the Jersey Shore. How long until she beds Pauly? I say the next episode.

3. Nicole “Snookie” Polizzi

Oh Snookie the first few episodes have been hard from getting trashed the first night to getting socked in the face. I hope things are looking up. You are by far the funniest and douchiest girl in the house. Good job!

2. DJ Pauly D–Paul DelVecchio

Pauly D, you are so creepy with the hair, the tanning booth, the countless Ed Hardy t-shirts. You are a great one to watch. I can’t wait to see what other girl trouble you’ll get into.

1. Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino

Here’s the situation. The real situation is that the situation (no capitals on purpose) loves to speak in 3rd person plus mention his nickname as a noun whenever possible. What is lovely about the show is that by episode 4, Mike has still not been laid. Hopefully, his moves and abs will work for him someday. No matter if he scores or not, he is a great big douche. Congrats!

Sexism: The Focus of This Season’s The Real Housewives of Orange County

The Abnormal Couples

Last season, Vicki’s relationship with her husband was a major focus of the show. This season they’re normal and the new abnormal is Tamra/Simon and Alexis/Jim. I’m now going to decide which one is the most abnormal…..hmmmm! Passing judgment on another couple who I don’t know sounds like an excellent idea.

2) Tamra/Simon

He doesn’t want her to work; he doesn’t want her to travel; he doesn’t want her to [fill in the blank]. He’s a lovely husband. I think this wonderful marriage built on trust and equality is going to go down in flames quite soon. Hopefully, Tamra will become nicer because of it.

1) Alexis/Jim

Where do I start? Their Godly union–yuck! I forgot God wants women not to accept their bodies and try to defy nature. Thanks Alexis for making that clear….I totally had to get that off my chest…Now on to critiquing their relationship. He’s a sexist pig. He frequently speaks down to her, acts like a big douche, and won’t let her make decisions. Now, this crazy woman loves it. From her Bravo blog, she writes, “My husband saying he’d never let me go to Greece totally turns me on…I would never respect a man that would wish me to travel wherever, whenever I want.” Jeepers, she is deluded. A) How could that fug man turn anyone on? Maybe his wallet turns her on. B) Let’s see how her views change when she gets older. She’s in her early 30s and maybe hasn’t fully matured. Or maybe she has some major controlling daddy issues.

This relationship is worse, because of her delusion. At least, Tamra is realizing that her controlling husband sucks.

Bad Girl’s Club: A Club I’d Run Away From

Wow! Yesterday was the first time I witnessed the amazing-ness that is the Bad Girl’s Club. There is no pretense that these girls are going to be shown the way to goodness. No, some genius stared at his boss across the boardroom table and said, “I have an idea. Stick 7 horrible women together in a luxurious house. Give them all the supplies that they need: booze, food, and booze. Let them go anywhere in either a limo or an SUV. The only catch is that they can’t physically hurt each other.” That person needs a raise, because the idea is sheer perfection.

Well, I have to rank this show in some way. I could’ve rated them on most likely to throw a punch, but Natalie has already beaten me to it. So some of the women will be ranked on sheer awfulness. As of now, Amber Lynn, Kate Marie, Annie Anderson and Portia Beaman haven’t shown their evil side yet. This might change in upcoming episodes.

On a quick side note, I think this show is a prequel to Bridezillas.

3. Florina Kaja

Abandonment issues and plain-ass craziness is what this tough girl has to offer and I don’t want any of it.

2. Kendra James

She isn’t especially awful, but after admitting using Natalie for her connections, she shows that she has some character flaws. Also, hanging out with Natalie is just not a smart move.

1. Natalie Nunn

There has to be a word worse than manipulative, perhaps conniving. She is a wonderful evil package. Seeing her get beat up next week might be satisfying.

The Final Top Chef Power Ranking

Tonight is the finale for Top Chef. So far, I have successfully predicted all of the eliminated contestants, loser by loser. But now I have to decide between the Voltaggios.

3. Michael Voltaggio

Just because it’s fancy and has a theme doesn’t make it good. Please remember this 3rd placer.

2. Bryan Voltaggio

If you weren’t competing against Kevin, then I would pick you immediately. My heart is sworn to Kevin, though.

1. Kevin Gillespie

I picked you as the winner during the first episode. Please don’t let me down. Southern cooking rules!!

UPDATE: Well, I guess I was wrong! Oh darn. I really wanted Kevin to win, but he just had a bad night. I hate that it had to be on the night of the finals. Maybe next time my favorite will win.

By Golly I Never Updated Project Runway

Well, maybe I was just sad because my prediction skills went all wonky. Yes, Irina, the not so nice one, won the whole show. Although I was not crazy about her collection, it had a completeness and a consistent stylistic theme throughout. I loved Carol Hanna’s dresses, though. Too bad she hadn’t worked out all the kinks. I hope that the next season set in NY will be better and more fashionably accurate.

The Best Bad Parenting Moments from The Housewives

For those of us who can’t get enough of the Housewives, we have all gasped at their many bad parenting moments. This list is devoted to their impeccable parenting skills.

5. Jeanna Keough and her rude son, Shane Keough

Now, maybe this is not all Jeanna’s fault, being in a toxic, abusive relationship will screw up the kids. Yet saying on TV that you want to hit your mom in the head with a baseball bat shows that some bad parenting occurred somewhere down the line. What’s sad is she just takes it and later on apologizes for him. I hope her life becomes normal after leaving the Housewives. Good luck Jeanna!

4. Simon McCord, Simon van Kempen, Francois, and Johan

I could write more than a bit about the sons’ and their horrible names and ugliness. Maybe it’s their haircuts, but I wouldn’t want those freaky kids around me. I must stick to my topic, though. Now there are quite a few items that I can mention here: giving your children pretentious names (oh yeah already mentioned that one), staying in a house under-construction where it’s easy for your wild boys to get hurt, and teaching them no manners at formal events. Would you like screaming with your coffee and dessert? Well, maybe the McCord-van Kempens will have the last laugh with her online parenting advice and her “parenting” book. I can’t wait for the next season.

3. Teresa Giudice, Joe Giudice, Gia, Gabriella, Milania, and Audriana

Not only did her and “beefcake” husband produce a set of trolls with questionable hairlines (humans or another species), she spoils them like crazy. Do 2 year olds need to have that many clothes or even purses? I’m sure these children, who will never have their looks to fall back on, will be incredibly hard to deal with. They’ve also witnessed the freak out of all freak outs. I wonder if table flipping is normal at home. I haven’t forgotten her insane stage-mommery. It’s like watching an extended version of “Toddlers and Tiaras.”

2. Lynne Curtin, Frank Curtin, Raquel, and Alexa

Now, this season I had a moment where I felt that one of Lynne’s daughters had actually had a realization about life. After hearing that Alexa and Lynne were going in for mother-daughter plastic surgery, Raquel was upset, regretting the changes that the family had been through. She even chastised them both for turning to the superficiality of plastic surgery. I was shocked, awed, dumb-struck that such a critique occured, BUT then Raquel’s critique was later shown to be fueled by petty jealousy. She felt that her sister was getting too much, a car, a new nose. She wanted money spent on her. Ohh NJ’s Teresa, this is what you have to look forward to.

1. Tamra Barney and her son Ryan Vieth

I have to say getting fellow housewife, Gretchen Rossi, drunk and sitting her next to her rape-face, man whore son has to be the worst example of parenting on the show. How could you use your own loser son to prove your suspicions about another housewife? It’s really low, manipulative, and sick. Good Job Tamra! Keep it coming.

The Double List: The Real Housewives of Atlanta

I’m not sure what’s real about any of the housewives on any of the shows. Hair? No. Boobs? No. Facial features? No. What  is real is my love of the show AND my scorn of these women. In this post, I will have two lists: one that ranks who I dislike the most, and the other that lists the most entertaining. This time I will only do Atlanta in honor of its season finale last week.

Who I loathe

5. Kandi Burruss

She’s sweet. I actually like her and not because I kind of liked her music in the 90s. I could actually see myself meeting her and enjoying her company.

4. Lisa Wu Hartwell

She’s successful and seems to be pretty level headed. She’s just boring to me, though. Yes, her husband is great, but I don’t really care about her downsizing or procreating.

3. NeNe Leakes

OK. She’s completely nuts most of the time. She also gave into the disturbing “let’s dress up white women in black face phase” that seems to be striking African-American women (Tyra Banks) of late. They seem to forget how incredibly offensive it is. Step away from the elite lifestyle and actually consider the history.

2. Sheree Whitfield

OH MY GOD! Do I have to hear about her stupid clothing line again. Not only is the name She by Sheree incredibly lame, the clothing was boring. Please leave the designing to Project Runway. Just because you can buy clothes, doesn’t mean you should design them.

1. Kim Zolciak

My hatred of Kim oh let me count the ways. 1) No sweetie money does not buy you class, despite what you claim on the intro to the show. 2) You were with a married man. Hopefully, you’ve learned your lesson and broke that off. 3) You aren’t beautiful. Just saying it in the mirror will never make it so. If you were, you wouldn’t need wigs or any false additions to make you more attractive. 4)  Your shopping sprees are a bit much. You are tacky. Really having class and style does not mean that your tatas are hanging out or that you are wearing a huge diamond baubble. There are plenty of people in the world that show real class by knowing that less is more. When more is more, you have issues and are just starving for attention. 4) “Tardy for Party” and her amazing performance of it…it really speaks for itself.

Phew! I got that off my chest.  Now, we move on to the second list.

The Most Entertaining Atlanta Housewives

5. Lisa

As mentioned above, she’s boring.

4. Kandi

She’s cute, but beside the tragic aspects of her life, she seems normal, which is good.

3. Sheree

Her complete inability to control her clothing line was entertaining. She also got into some good fights. I’m surprised her veins didn’t pop.

2. NeNe

She has the best one-liners. I’d also want her to back me up in a fight.

1. Kim

She’s an amazing nouveau-riche train wreck, whose singing and performing abilities make me laugh. Thus, she is the most entertaining and the most despised. She makes the show interesting and infuriating.

Update: Top Chef and Project Runway

Well, I just have to say that I keep being right about my picks. Maybe I can notice the subtle editing that reveals who will go next, or I’m just an infinite genius. No matter! Let’s see if next week on Top Chef Eli goes home as predicted and on Project Runway Carol Hannah wins the whole enchilada.

Tool Academy

Well, I was completely right. Some of you wrongly voted for Tyler, but I knew that he hadn’t made the changes that Terry had made. I hope they both have changed for the better!

My Last Karen Refaeli Post

Always classy and sassy!!

It’s Karen’s last night. She kept up the tantrums and never stopped with the off-color comments. Here is a list of her best moments. It’s more of a chronological list than a ranking.

1. The description of the exorbitant cost of her wedding–“150,000 is a penny to spend on a wedding. That’s considered like a bargain”–is another great quote.

2. “I’m not homeless, because I’m sitting on the floor.” After seeing her Ugg-ish boots, I was a little concerned.

3. The exasperated faces of her entourage, including her soon-to-be husband, show how ashamed they are of her, especially, when her groom confronts her about her immature, psychotic behavior with the seamstress. Based on my expertise in decoding body language, the complete look of disgust on his face shows that the marriage won’t be happy. Hopefully, she’ll retain the idea that she’ll become a “fat heifer” if she reproduces.

4. The tacky, tacky, tacky Long Island motley dress was a work of art. I loved the patches of leopard, always a classy touch. It was a perfect reflection of her personality.

5. “I’ll slap everyone in here if I have to.” I look forward to the day when I can berate my friends. I should also get some unstable friends, so I can have a maid of honor that will literally fight my battles for me.

6. What makes her great TV and a great bridezilla is that she can never be happy with anything the first time. She must throw a tantrum, whine to her father or husband. Then after she is accommodated, she is somewhat happy.

7. “I know what I want. I’m a model.” Oh yeah…a model of the type of human being not to be. Well then, she’s an expert at that.

8. The Antonella’s head as a bouquet that she destroyed was a fitting touch. She really knows how to release tension in a healthy way.

9. She said “Sike.” There’s really nothing I can write.

10. “It’s hard being me.” All joking aside, I think it probably is. She is a pretty miserable human being, who is never fully satisfied. It would be horrible to be her and to be around her.